andrea is one month!

i dislike changes to my routine.
but some of my fondest memories were created also through the roughest times:

when the doctor said my baby is in danger, though premature, he has to take her out, i do not protest and i just do it;

when my newborn can't burp properly and is gassy, and i am trying to comfort her and get the bout of gas out;

when the big girl did not take her meal time seriously and she is made to stand in a corner with a red smack across her thighs as forfeit;

when the baby cries and i rely only on your instincts to understand her;

when everyone around me demoralise me by saying breastfeeding is not something i can do and i still try to squeeze the last drop out into the bottle;

when i feed in the dark, not wanting to wake the man up;

when i sleep under the blanket with a head full of thoughts;

when i finally drift off to sleep only to be woken up at 3am to feed and move on;

when i am forbidden to carry the heavy things, i still pick it up and do it, no questions asked;

when i race against time to prepare both girls for bed;

when i am pumping out milk and half ounce is all i have... and more.

and then i look back on these moments and smile because i made it through all that.

happy one month, my little baby :)

thoughts after delivery

choose everyday, when i wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, to forgive myself. i am a mother but a human, flawed. and nothing is more precious than to live and experience my life right now for all its happiness then to try to push all the right buttons hundred percent accurate every single time.

i thought back to two weeks ago, almost exactly at this time, when i cried my heart out to the man. i felt awful, i was guilty, and definitely demoralised. emotions built up since 18 july where i had an emergency c-section to deliver andrea. from dr adrian's clinic in compasspoint to thomson medical centre for an urgent scan of my super low amniotic fluid to the operating theatre, everything happened within an hour or two. i was unprepared and traumatised to a certain extend. andrea was only thirty-six weeks, however the best thing that ever happen on this day to me, andrea came out healthy, safe and perfect :)

once again, breastfeeding had me defeated, same as five year ago. i seek help from the lactation consultants, i bought a new spectra s1. i ate fenugreek and milk thistle. lactation brownies and cookies became my breakfast and snacks. i drank papaya fish soup almost everyday. i cried every time i nurse. things just do not work out for me. nevertheless now i still try my best to pump as much as possible. it is little and enough for a feed every other day, if not everyday.

i was going through a transition period from a mother of one to a mother of two. i was unsure, unsure about the new additional responsibilities, unsure if i will fare well as their perfect mother. i had so many things going in my head. i rejected all helps from my parents. i was clearly drained out.

but that's when i also learnt the greatest parenting lesson of all: it is not about me. in fact, nothing was about me anymore. it was all about them. i may never be the perfect mother, but i will always try my best to be a good one. probably incapable of much emotions these days but i can't be more grateful for the little angels in my life right now :)

goh

this is where i grew up, this is where my memories are. i am who i am today because of these memories. but today i need a release.

babymoon

hello from the dim sum heaven.

another sweetie addition

thank you baby for being strong.
continue your strong kickings and nudging :)

"you can be naughty but you can't be rude or a liar"

alexis spends lots of time in school. together with her friends, they got into all kinds of mischief together. it is no secret that alexis loves to talk and unfortunately, getting on her teachers' nerves. her name is always being called out and written on the board because she did not display 'good' behaviour for that moment. as quoted from her teacher,"alexis likes to do the opposite." i doubt a day goes by where she is not thinking of some way to be mischievous.

there is something wrong with me.

whenever alexis told me her name was on the board for that day because she misbehaved, i said to her, "that's great!" i smiled. my colleague who is a mother of a boy and a girl, was shocked at my calmness portrayed.

every child is different and moves in and out of stages at a different pace. to me (and the man),as we get older we tend to create this box that everything is supposed to fit neatly into, all of our ideas and goals in life are according to some sort of plan. however as a child there is no box. it is just endless freedom to explore any and every possible avenue of creativity and adventure. i want my children to grow up willing and able to take risks, to develop an internal sense of right and wrong, rather than being dependent on external authority to tell them what they can and cannot do. i want them to develop self confidence and not to fear what someone else will think of them. i want my children to learn that mistakes are acceptable and that taking risks builds courage. and now i said it, sometimes disobeying the rules helps to build conscience.

not that i condone her misbehaviour all the time, some days this girl throws huge tantrums, some days she blatantly disobey our instructions, some days she she will do everything mentioned and then more. many times, i am filled with fury, embarrassment. i ground, withdraw her privileges and guilty to say, i judge her character. she probably do not mean to be disrespectful, disobedient, or defiant. but that often results when we adults interpret her behaviour that way.

with constant reminder to each of us, we must choose our battles, let the small stuff go, turn our head now and then, and let our children be a little bit naughty. every moment, the man and i are mostly trying our best.

Loving Two – How Can I Love Another Child As Much? By Kelly Winder in Baby. Last updated on August 23, 2015

When my first born arrived in 2002, I was totally and utterly besotted.

I couldn’t believe I could love someone as much as I loved her.

To me, she was the meaning of love — and life.

But when I thought about having a second child, which was the inevitable thing to do, I didn’t really think about how I would cope with two children.

Instead, I wondered how I could possibly ‘share’ the time and attention I was able to give my daughter.

It was upsetting to think how rejected or betrayed she might feel, seeing me give my time, attention, focus and love to another.

This is the dilemma of loving two.

When I fell pregnant again in 2004, the feelings of guilt and anxiety grew over having to ‘share’ myself between two children. I desperately wanted to feel comfortable knowing it would be just as magical with another baby. But deep down, I was sad at the thought that it would no longer be my daughter and I, sharing every single, special moment together. It would be my daughter, baby and I.

I even shed tears thinking about her missing out on what we already had.

Family members lived too far away to visit regularly, and being the ‘information technology widow’ that I was (if you have a partner working in I.T. you will know exactly what I am referring to!), the days became exhaustively long. My daughter and I would often wake together and go to sleep together. She was my best friend, my rock, my little girl.

And I was about to bring a brand new person into our special relationship.

I knew I would dearly love my new baby, there was no question about it. But the undivided time I had shared with my daughter for the first two years of her life, it would have to be halved and shared, right?

Then, I came across the most beautiful poem, which turned around my thoughts in an instant! I printed out the loving two poem and stuck it to my fridge.

Now, I can share this beautiful poem with those who are wondering the exact same thing I did – how will I be able to share my love between two children? Enjoy!

Loving Two Poem
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

“Loving Two” poem, author unknown (if you know, please tell us!)
…

I’ve come to realise that it’s nothing to be ashamed about feeling this way. It’s all just part of the vast parenting ‘unknown’ that we only learn from experience — and we all know that parenting is a skill learned ‘on the job’.

We know what it’s like to have one child, but we just haven’t experienced two yet.

When your second child is born, you too will know how true the ending of the loving two poem really is.

On a parting note, know that love doesn’t divide. It multiplies. Remember that special feeling of being head over heels in love with your first — or even your partner? You get that feeling all over again with every single one of your babies. That’s a whole lot of love – just for you!

i should have been thankful

life these days has been one massive blur. i am not alone but i am really tired. secretly i realise, i am afraid inside. afraid of the twentieth week scan, afraid of another news bomb dropping down on my unborn baby. now i feel this inherent need to fight against the terror, which i sense is too near for comfort and chillingly, is ready to swallow me whole the moment i let my guard down.

during the first month, bleeding begins and kkh suspected a ectopic pregnancy. during the second month, still bleeding accompanied by severe morning sickness. during the third month, OSCAR result showed a risk of me having a down syndrome baby. as the day wore on, i began convincing myself that maybe it was not meant to be. just so the let down would be that much more bearable. but i am lying, i do not think anything would have made the cut less severe.

a person should experience everything once in your lifetime. i guess i did not think of this. really, all those came as a horrible shock, but maybe, a wake-up call. and this is enough to last one lifetime. i should stop re-enacting the moments in my head because everytime it gets worse and worse.

right now i just feel so small and vulnerable. an urge to curl up and hibernate. i do not know how i really really feel, yet? whenever my mind drifts, maybe i have to focus on the fact that, i can be considered lucky, it could have been worse.

the first trimester

the last four months had been very emotional tiring time for me, and probably the man. this pregnancy has been full of uncertainties, at least until now. everything i am going through everyday is about crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

the morning sickness part, though was bad, but it is acceptable. during the first trimester, it was extreme fatigue. i was lying on the bed most of the time, day and night. thankfully, the man is always around to take care of me and our girl. the morning sickness last whole day at the beginning, then becomes more obvious at evening and night time.

at the Oscar test at twelfth weeks, dr adrian revealed a bad news, the result is not good. i am at a risk of 1:85 of having a baby with down syndrome. i had to proceed to do panorama test or amniocentesis to confirm result. see the number of question marks? it’s terrible. that’s all that’s been going on in my head everyday. everything a question, nothing a conviction.

while i chose panorama test as it is a dna screening with about 99% accurate, it was another seven to ten days of waiting. during the waiting period, i suspended myself in the moment, casting my eyes around taking it all in, deep breaths taking in this cold odourless air. the many moments where i am lonely but not alone. the many moments on bed, with my girl, with my two feet warm and cold at the same time, with my teary eyes and my hair messy. the unknown, the uncertainties, the worries that is not being answered - my world collapsed.

on the eighth day of waiting, with a call from the clinic, i am suddenly happy, and i can't place my finger on it.

second love of our life

the man and i did not plan for alexis. she just came along because we were not taking any birth control measures. hence we did not think i would NOT conceive naturally as we had an easy time the first time, until i was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome in march 2015. maybe this is the price i pay for letting myself go jelliod. it was then followed by months of seeing fertility doctors, western and eastern. the man and i embarked on a journey that was beyond our imagination. injections, acupuncture, medicines became my daily routine for the longest time. the effects of bloatedness and weight gain piled on me. call me whatever you like, but i am driven into desperation. we were literally forced into taking this step, with a huge bated breath. they say, three strikes and you're out but lucky for us, one strike and we are now in the game. for the longest time, i was as lost as a baby lamb, i was terrified that i will never amount to anything.

fast forward to october 2015. now that we have wrestled the fertility woes into submission, it is the start of our second love's life ♥♥ anyway, i have been thinking and i know that i want to make the best out of the next five months of my life. not that i am in a bad situation or anything, just that my situation is probably less than ideal in the eyes of many. the severe morning sickness attack, the non-stopping bleeding, the cyst in my womb, the month long hospitalisation leave and the traumatic OSCAR scan result. despite all these, i am excited actually. i am excited to be carrying another love. i am excited to meet this little love of ours. i really am.

come but please don't go

i feel as if i am trying to cling on to the life while it ebbs away from me. it is slimey, and i have to grip ever so tightly. fears and anxiety controlled me and i am scared shitless of sitting, waiting, praying, wishing, tearing.

so much for this anticipated day

today i found myself collapsing into a puddle of tears when i finally step into my house.

a start to 2016

it was a great start to 2016 with the old folks over prata, tea, coffee, talks and laughters. by evening i was lying in my huge white bed on a feather pillow with another guard pillow by my side. the past two evenings have been intense. i have vomited myself silly, almost camping with the toilet bowl and getting my bile out.

i felt my cold, clammy, pale skin and looked down at my fingers, my jagged nails and i feel a sense of wonder. how did i get here?

welcome 2016

sometimes with the stress of life comes a need to breathe. i find that nothing helps me calm my rolls like being with the two (three) loves of my life. life beyond work is always beautiful and elegant and i can find my perspective and truly breathe when i am with them.

here is a glimpse into my 2015 in photos, thankfulness-style. goodbye 2015, you have treated me well.

do you still read this?

hello it's me.
i have never stopped living or dreaming. words dried up and i have lately been overwhelmed by events and intensity of my thoughts that i have let them trail, let them fade because it takes so much out of me to attend to them.

now, i should be contented. and i should always be happy. week twelfth, and i have fought with myself during the last three months. i am at peace and determined in some ways. i will make this work because there is little to hate and more to love and be thankful for.

playtime

we are entering into a new stage at our house where my three turning four-year-old likes to spend hours changing from one activity to another. meanwhile i am trying to manage household chores and playing with her a little bit (or at least paying attention to her) all at the same time. a baby is just happy to chew on a toy or roll around, but my girl needs a little more guidance.

the man and i regularly just put aside our chores and watch alexis play independently. i love to see how her play develops, listen to the conversations she has with her animals, and notice which toys she is most interested in. by taking time to observe, i can tweak independent time and make it more fun for her by adapting our activities to fit her interests and newly developing skills. we also learn a lot about our own parenting skills by listening to the conversations she has with her dolls. :)

some moments just need to be enjoyed and observed, not photographed.

bad thought

people come and go in your life as you need them in your life. sometimes you need them and sometimes they need you. when it is time to let them go, let them go because what needed to be done was done and the memory will stay if it is supposed to be there. people need to meet but they do not necessarily need to stay.

this thought is so freeing to me.

three character classic - first part

this girl lives a life overflowing with lot of goodness and joy.she is a hoper. and a perseverer. alexis is now 三字经 also known as the three character classic. it has been used to teach children confucian values. through this learning, i hope she can continue to develop into a strong, intelligent, and faithful believer in the power of gratitude to help get her through life.  and since the day she was in my womb, alexis still is one of those people who inspires me to treasure everything out of this life, because it is indeed precious and holy.

welcome twenty fifteen

well, 2014 actually went down in the record books as the year that was shockingly, mercifully, and delightfully stable for me. almost everyday, we are on our feet trying to put everything together and to make life sustainable while giving our most to our lil girl. but i still found myself living in the house of my dreams, still employed by the same company, still surrounded by my love ones, feeling healthy and happy, and it just all generally added up to a life that already felt like more than enough. so instead of feeling the constant need for comparing and adding and growing, i decided to basically enjoy a year of just keeping the pace. and you know what? it was great :)

merry christmas to all

christmas was never a huge thing for my family – both families are non-christians/catholics and so the man and i grow up naturally focusing more on seeing it as a time of presents and drinking and feasting :)

this christmas is good well-spent. alexis is old enough to process it all and was actually looking forward to christmas, and understanding that she is getting presents and she learnt to wish people merry christmas. if anything, i really enjoyed the fun times we had with her over the christmas week :)

she cycles

alexis has officially added something to the list of her favorite things on earth: cycling.

the weather has been up and down here since the calendar officially welcomed twenty-fifteen. alexis seems to love the outdoor as much as the man does, cycling out in the traveling sun beams during the day, and sniffing the strong breezes. i am an indoor person but i love to soak up the morning sunshine and enjoy the neighborhood watch. and again and again, i find it amazing how that simple act of watching our lil one makes everything feel so much more refreshed and connected and alive.

i turned 31

today is my birthday. looking back, i got married at twenty-six, and we started a family a year after we came back from the states. ever since, my life were filled with baby and diapers. now, my life has been filled with plain fun and pure comfort. laughter, happiness, a complete sense of self confidence that i did not have in my twenties, watching my lil girl grow into who she will become :)

for the last couple of years while the man was still in the military, more often times than not, he is off of work to celebrate with me, which i love! but this year is a little different. he has a new job. he can't go on leave. birthday celebration will be on a weekend.

here is a little fact about me. i am much of a cake person. actually, for every birthday since i can remember i always hope for a cake, not from boutique bakery but from little unknown bakers that are tucked in a little corner on our island. strange? yes, maybe. or maybe it was that i just had not tasted a GOOD cake yet. not all cakes are created equally, just like no two people are similar. this year, mine was a cake from sophisticaketion. it was a two layered chocolate sponge cake embedded with a rose-flavoured buttercream roses :) how could it have been that pretty? all i can say is but it was.

last month while the man was at home for almost two months to clear his annual leave, he experimented a batch of one of my favourite macarons a while back and it honestly is amazing. they are handmade with love and hand-delivered to my office by my love, which made me all the more excited to gobble down a piece of it. sandwiched with salted caramel, you really can't go wrong with this macaron. however, i have been indulging in those homemade little gem sweets that i have not had any time and chance to take pictures or post about them.

you know those times when nothing compares to being with your family? i am content. i am more than content. i am happy.

happy birthday, angel.

i love you more each day

happy anniversary to the most amazing, thoughtful, handsome, sweet, loving, sincere, honest, talented, hard-working, perfect-for-me husband i could have ever dreamed of. six years... every year getting better.. and there are many, many more to come.

let me be old-fashioned here.
i. love. you. forever.

happy birthday, my lil one

my daughter turns three years old today, and for months she is begging me for two things: a trip to sea aquarium; checked and her birthday cake in her favorite colour - green; checked.

in all honesty, alexis has grown up to be a fine young lady. she is beginning to understand the significance of her birthday celebration. i am so proud to be her mother. i love her sweet nature, creative spirit, and everything about her. i cannot get over that she is three already! anyhow, those two wishes are easy to fulfil, really, so i just smiled and thanked myself for having such a simple lil girl :)

in fact, we had a busy, fun last couple of weeks and our entire family was just, well, ready for her third birthday. we went more than just sea aquarium, we went swimming twice in this week and also brought the birthday girl to universal studio. i ordered more than just a green coloured cake, i also ordered a hello kitty cake chocolate-banana cake for her school celebration and a sea-salt caramel cake for an intimate celebration with just us. in my way of thinking, each of us are blessed with so many birthdays in a lifetime and each one should be celebrated to the max. i do not mean huge blow out parties with tons of people, unless that is your thing. for us though, simple, classic birthdays spent together with fun and laughter.